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LOOKING FOR A RAINBOW || MYRA TRUDEA OKUMU

By Myra Trudea Okumu


"There may be a great fire in our soul, but no one ever comes to warm himself by it, all the passer-bys can see is a little smoke." - Van Gogh, 1880

This episode of glimpse takes us into a silent battle that is being fought by 15% of couples worldwide. It is an issue that is shrouded in shame and pain, a story that most cannot come forward and tell. It is about looking up to the sky as the rain pours, mixing with the tears as they streak, begging God for a miracle, a chance, a child.  This post is not about how to overcome infertility or procedures or the medical details of it all (although I will leave links about all that at the end), this is a post about the psychological effects of infertility, the mental battles that are faced every day by those that are going through this journey, it is a post that lets you see the other side of something some take lightly. It is a heartwrenching story of those who walk around every day LOOKING FOR A RAINBOW. 

 INFERTILITY. 

You probably know someone who has had troubles or continues having trouble conceiving. It could be a family member, a friend, or it could be you. Such a painful and treacherous path it is, seeing those around you making pregnancy announcements as you wait for yet another month to end and dread the heartbreaking feeling that accompanies seeing your period yet again. When you read infertility, you probably thought of a woman and that is because infertility is considered and grouped as a woman's issue, a woman's problem. however, male infertility can affect more than one-third of couples who are struggling to conceive. Let me not get ahead of myself here, let us start from the beginning and then expand on those. Stay with me on this one.

Infertility is defined as not being able to get pregnant(conceive) after one year (or longer) of unprotected sex.



The psychological trauma that comes with being unable to conceive for a long time has been (by researchers) been compared and equivalised to being diagnosed with cancer. the feelings of depression, the sense of loss, and grief are very real for both men and women. Infertility causes social withdrawal, feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness, feeling lonely and left out, weight loss, anxiety, depression, strained interpersonal relationships just to mention a few. 

In Malawi, like in some other parts of the world, women (families) that do not have children are considered lacking and taboo. Women with infertility are usually excluded from certain activities and cultures (traditions) in the community, they are shunned, jeered, and looked down upon. Childbearing is seen as a major MUST for women and the inability to do so is met with harsh words or beatings. Women are chased from their homes, beaten by their husbands, shamed by their inlaws, and shunned by their own families. The stigma around women who are unable to conceive is harsh and cruel. In Malawi, motherhood is used as a measure of pride, the scale to measure respect and a woman's reputation.


"Osangobeleka bwanji?" (Why don't  you just bear a child?)
Words said to someone who is already beating themselves up mentally for something they have no control over and not only that but being constantly reminded that they are worthless for being unable to bring children into the family. The lack of empathy in these words is daunting. It somehow puts blame on the individual for their inability to conceive. It is demeaning and degrading, choosing to see the other person in an alien state of being. Infertility is a battle some people are fighting and while others come out victorious, some fall deeper into the depths of their despair. Going through infertility does not make one less of a woman or a man, it does not make one a failure, it does not make you worthless. It is not and it will never be your fault.


To support someone going through infertility, you don't have to have a bunch of inspirational words, not scripture, not answers or prophetic words. Sometimes the best you can do is sit with them in their pain,  let them know you are there for them and that they are not alone. Be kind to your friends/family that are going through infertility. They may never share or put into words the depth of their sorrow or the weight of grief they carry around but it is there. The negative feelings they feel are there just below the surface waiting to come flooding from their eyes when they are alone.
It is hard. 
It is really hard to watch yet another pregnancy announcement, be invited to yet another baby shower, pass the baby aisle, hear another gender reveal, watch as friends/family post their children. It must be hard. The whole time questions flood your mind.
"When will it be my turn?"
"What did I do to deserve this?"
"Why should I suffer like this?"

From Battling Infertility, September 7, 2021:
"If you love me unconditionally Lord, why on Earth are you making me go through this? Why was I chosen to endure this heartbreak? What have I possibly done to deserve any of this? I have been trying so hard to understand your reasons, but I still cannot comprehend how this can be your plan for me. For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed of the day that I get to be a mom. It is the only thing in the world that I want to be. So why would you put such a love for something in my heart if you are not going to let me have it? Why fill my head with these dreams if they are unattainable? It hurts me knowing that I have so much anger in my heart for you, but I just can't help it. I am so angry with you right now God. I continuously watch you bless seemingly everyone else around me with their own miracles, and yet here iI stand with empty hands. You know how desperately I want this, and you know  I would give up everything I have for this, so why are you still making me wait? Why are you leaving us with even more unanswered questions? I just want to know why.
I know you have our fates decided before we even come into this world, and we have no say in that matter...but I need you to help me understand this path that I am on. I hate resenting you more than anything else, but right now at this moment I don't know at this moment I don't know who else to blame. So Lord, if you can hear me, I just need a sign that everything is going to be ok....that I am going to be okay."


If you are going through infertility, 
  • you are not alone
  • you are enough
  • you are not a failure
  • you are worthy
  • you are loved
Here are some links that can expand on the topic and help you understand those around us that have or continue to deal with this upward battle. Love to everyone struggling, I am sending prayers to heaven for you.




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Location: 52X8+79W, Blantyre, Malawi

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